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The Qwertys to reform for new album in 2018

Announcement follows decades of speculation. New album and crowdfunding details announced. Full range of VIP options available for investors.

I Need a Poo, the 1996 concept album by college rock group Qwerty Fuck Fuck, told the story of four hours in the life of Harold, a desperate man with a simple desire. His journey around a poorly signposted town centre, in search of somewhere to find relief, acted as “a perfect metaphor for the human struggle” (Basingstoke Herald, 1996).

As the same review put it: “Harold wanders, confusedly, carrying a gut-busting load of existential despair, always looking for the elusive Arndale Centre Toilets of contentment and meaning. I Need a Poo is destined to be an international success.”

It soon became obvious to the band that, due to “virulent, violent, bone-shattering public demand”, they’d have to release a follow-up. However, they then suffered an acrimonious and seemingly permanent break-up. Now, after much speculation, the Qwertys can finally announce that, in 2018, they will reunite to work on a follow-up album.

Its working title is: I No Longer Need a Poo (But I’m Still Lonely).

Continued below

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The project’s budget, £500,000, is to be entirely crowdfunded, with a range of reward packages available to those who contribute. These are:

  • Contribution of £10: Copy of the album.
  • Contribution of £35: Signed copy of the album. (NB: Signatures may resemble dog paw-prints or ink smudges)
  • £100: Two tickets to the album-launch concert, at High Wycombe Town Hall.
  • £200: Your name included in the album liner notes. (NB: Offer only applies to people with the same name as one of the band’s sound engineers)
  • £350: VIP ticket to the album-launch concert, during which two members of the band will pose for three photographs and smile. (NB: convincing smile not guaranteed)
  • £400: VIP-plus ticket to album launch. After the concert, two band members will listen with apparent interest to you telling an anecdote of up to sixty seconds, and laugh at the end. (NB: Anecdotes will be timed in advance. Follow-up discussion not permitted)
  • £450: VIP-plus-plus ticket to album launch. After the concert, band members will let you watch them drinking champagne for up to thirty minutes. (NB: Any attempts to make eye contact will invalidate the ticket and result in your prompt removal)
  • £1,000: Personal meet-and-greet experience: Two band members will come to your house for fifteen minutes and chat to you. (NB: For this offer, band members may not have the same appearance, facial structure or ethnicity as they appear to have from publicity photos or concert footage. Band members may also have coincidental resemblances to local delivery drivers. No refunds.)

For all media requests, please contact Chris Splurg, on 077-111-222-33, or chris.splurg@guff-PR.com